I always grew up in a Christian home. My mom practically raised me on her own until she married my step dad. My parents divorced when I was only 2. When my mom remarried, I was 5 years old. My mom was pregnant with my little sister at the time, and I was adjusting to having a new dad when we moved into some apartments across town from where I lived before. Being a shy 5 year old, I didn't have many friends, and I wasn't sure how to make any. There was a park literally feet from the new home I had with my mom and new dad. I often played alone near the large tires while other kids played on the structure made of wood. I don't remember how it happened
but this place
would bring bad memories to me for years. I know it started soon after I moved in. I was only 5 years old, still very innocent minded, when some older kids asked me if I wanted to play with them. Of course I agreed thinking 'Older kids wanna play with me?! COOL!' In those old monster truck tires
was where I was tricked into thinking sex was a game. I can't remember how many times it happened, but it happened quite a bit since I was on the play ground often. This type of playing continued until I was about 7 years old. By that time the boys had moved away, and I had started to go to church with my mom and new sister. It was there that I learned that sex was not a game. That it was a sin before marriage. I hadn't told my mom or dad what'd happened to me on the play ground, since the boys had told me not to tell anyone. Looking back on it now, I wish I had said something. I felt immediate guilt. I felt that what happened was my fault, that I could've stopped it, that I was in the wrong. We didn't stay at that church for very long. I don't remember why we left, maybe it was because I was teased by some of the Sunday school kids. My family was poor at the time, we couldn't afford a bible, so when we got verses to memorize for the next week, I never could do it. I was always made fun of because of that. The constant guilt of what happened to me carried with me as we moved again, to a home we've been living in for 13 years. I still didn't tell my parents about what happened to me at the old apartments. Instead I told a girl who would soon become my best friend. She comforted me when I needed it, telling me that it wasn't my fault. But I still felt it was. This continued through elementary school and carried into middle school with me. I met a friend and she introduced me to a friend of hers, who was a strong Christian girl. The girl invited me to go to church with her. Her sister and herself were going to be in a play on Easter and asked that I be there. I almost said no, but something told me I should go. I decided to go to the church and see what it was like. I thought it might be different than the other church I'd gone to with my mom and sister. I felt uneasy sitting in the front row, near the very end, closest to the door. I didn't know anyone, and I felt that I didn't belong there. I realize now that was the devil trying to trick me into leaving. But I stayed and listened to the service being said. Something about it touched me deep. The pastor spoke of how God forgives us of all of our sins, how our lives become brand new through him. I started to go to this church every Sunday and every Wednesday. Years passed and I drifted in and out of going to church, entering high school didn't help very much. There were times in high school I wanted to just drop out, or hurt myself, or something drastic like that. I look back on it now and I wish that I had gone to church during those times. It was about the beginning of my freshman or sophomore year of high school
when I became addicted...not to drinking, not to smoking, no drugs...but to porn. I believe I became addicted to it because I had been exposed to sex at such a young age. I was confused back then, and now I was curious. I would often look at different types of porn; spend hours and hours on the computer instead of doing homework, or spending time with friends. This addiction continued for years. The first year I was out of high school, my addiction really became real to me. I had been dating the guy I thought was the man of my dreams for about six maybe seven months by now. I let him on the computer while I went to take a shower. The night before I had looked up some porn and forgotten to delete it from the computer. When I came out of the shower he confronted me about it. I broke down and cried. I told him everything that had happened to me. Instead of freaking out and leaving me, he was supportive. He told me he wanted to help me with my addiction and he wanted me to tell my mom what'd happened. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach when he said that. For years I had found reasons not to tell my mom what'd happened. I felt that if I told her, she'd make real the feelings I'd felt for years. That it was my fault, I was the one to blame for letting it happen. He finally got me to tell my mom I needed to talk to her alone. I could feel my body shaking as I tried to find the words I wanted to say to her. Tears filled my eyes before I could even say one word. I began to explain to her what'd happened to me all those years ago
15 years ago to be exact. I could feel my voice cracking as she pulled me into a hug comforting me and telling me what I truly needed to hear at that time. That what had happened all those years ago was not my fault. She told me once more that God didn't think it was my fault either. She said I was only 5, I didn't know anything about sex back then, that my innocents was taken from me before I even had a chance to protect it. Since that time my addiction to porn has cut back drastically. I have kept myself strong and made a vow to save what I believe will be my real first time, to be with the man that I marry. It has been hard. There have been times when I wanted to give in and just give it away, but I haven't. I've been pressured by 2 exes now who wanted me to go that far, but I stayed strong because I didn't want to regret letting it go. I'm 24 years old now. For a long time after I broke up with both of my exes, I struggled with giving up this addiction. I know that if I didn't have God helping me get through this temptation, I would still be where I was before, spending hours and hours online either looking at porn or rping sexual rp's. I'll admit, I do slip at times, but I know that God's right there, helping me get right back on track and leave that part of my life in the past where it belongs. I know it's no longer part of who I am, but it's been crucified on the cross with Jesus. It's dead and it's not coming back again. God has been the one thing that has kept me going when I felt like giving up on giving up not only those temptations, but other hard times in life. He's my strength, my shepherd, my protector, my father, a wonderful loving creator. I don't know how many people will be able to relate to this article, but I do know this. If I can reach at least one person out there with what's happened in my life, and help them change theirs, it'll all be worth it to me. I have befriended many Christian friends over the years, and become very close to them. They're my support, and my reason to keep trying. We're only human. God's not expecting us to instantly get over our addictions, fears, whatever we're going through. No. He's with us every single step of the way. When we fall back down, he's ready to pick us back up and help us carry on. He's never going to leave our side. No matter how many times we screw up, mess up, fail, fall over and over again
He's always going to be there with his arms opened wide. He wants us to go into his warm loving open arms. He wants to help us get through whatever we're going through. As the bible says: ""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11 I ask today for those who've fallen back into their old ways, ways of addiction and ways of hurt, I ask that you give God another chance. Really open yourself to him and give him everything you have, every hurt, every suffering memory, every happy memory, EVERYTHING. He has a plan for you. Never doubt that. God has a special plan just for you. You can do anything with God at your side. God bless each and every one of you.